It is with great honor that I wet these pages… wait a second…

It is with great honor that I type the following.

It wasn’t too long ago that I was approached by the raunchiest, funkiest and coolest online lifestyle site The Backdoor to have my own column. They were super polite in asking if I would have the time to be a regular contributor to the website. Before giving them my word I asked the architects of The Backdoor what exactly they would like me to write about; Metal, Music, Movies, Live Reviews, CD & DVD Reviews… topics that I could easily shed my expertise and profound sentiments on. But I wasn’t too over myself to acknowledge that our country does have an abundance of talent these days who could deal with these topics. I felt I could contribute articles along those lines exclusively, once in a neon blue moon or so but to have my own column? That’s no walk in the park… it’s a lot of work, you have to keep it interesting, the readers hooked by their assets and take a versatile approach every single time. As far as I am concerned a regular feature or column has to be invigorating, captivating and twist a panty or two.

‘We’d like you to have a sex column…’ they told me. ‘…Actually on BDSM.’

I paused and couldn’t restrain a sinister snarl. Had I heard right?

‘Really? Are you sure about this? Would it not be a tad… “extreme” for your readership?’ I inquired.

‘No problem. In fact no one’s done it before and since you are well adept with the subject it’ll be controversial but we believe they’ll all love it. So what do you say?’

So why don’t YOU tell me. What should I have said? Should I have measured the pros and cons? Should I have personally considered that speaking openly about BDSM and the mysteries of this often misunderstood world in a conservative society could cause quite a ripple?

After all I am no layman in this matter. Yet I have secrets that I wish to keep and others I don’t mind sharing with you.

Still it all sounded too jolly exciting for me to decline so here I am.

Sri Lanka after all is a place where sexual adventure consists of a lot of big talk, small potatoes and the missionary position or bad renditions of doggy style that would make even a Chihuahua cry. For a great many sex is a ritual of deep emotional expression, a fulfillment of the physical vessel, an obligation keeping in line with fervent religious implications and of course all about having a good time.

Sex is a science of its own, however once intertwined with a thorough artistic impetus & a wonderful imagination it becomes a powerful tool that adds value to the good ole ‘sex game’.

It’s true.

The concept of foreplay however is lost and rebuked in this time and age. The notion of stimulating all five senses is practically too much work. Finding the virtue of patience to admire, to experiment, to push one’s partner (or if you’re really lucky – partners) to an epitome of desire, delving in extremities and subtleties before devouring your prey is virtually and literally unheard of.

No this is not Saturn. It is Sri Lanka and things work differently here. Which is why I have accepted this incredible task of bringing my wit, wisdom and wonder to those who have ears to hear, eyes to speak, brains to think and not be afraid to discover that imagination and intuition work well together.

Let’s get one thing out of the way for good shall we?

This is not a fucking Agony Aunt column. It is not a weekly sexual oracle to predict your sexual future. You want that go to Pettah and buy yourself a crystal ball. Or find yourself an adept of the Left Hand Path who doesn’t wear too much pears baby powder who’ll lend you his tarot pack.

I suppose we should take things a step at a time.

What is Foreplay and is it as integral as the wise men say it is?

Please smack your face with your palm. Right now.

Now smack yourself again.

Of course it is bloody integral. Let’s get this Foreplay business out of the way and pick on the BDSM stuff slowly… after all there really is no hurry is there?

Foreplay may very well best be described as the prolonged stimulation of ones body and psyche at the hands of another. It is an act or a series of acts either planned or spontaneously carried out to provoke, evoke and accentuate the pleasures of the flesh by toying with ones senses.

The formula is pretty simple really. Good Sex + Foreplay = Great Sex.

If sex therefore is a science, foreplay is an art. The more you master, borrow or create new methods of foreplay the more overwhelming the sexual experience will naturally be. ‘Cos I am certain most guys realize that for us pleasure is a wave of euphoria that surges through the body – you hit a climax and that’s it. That is exactly why most guys unload and then snore away like dragons after a steamy session.

Oh it’s very different with women. And that’s their trick of the trade. A woman’s sense of pleasure is quite a complex matter because they are capable or gifted (depending how you wanna look at it) to experience and feel pleasure in an array of electric waves of euphoria, at different levels, and they may climax over and over and over again. This is why many women fake orgasms and most dudes actually believe they’ve climbed Olympus and rammed their flag and marked their territory, but they’ve only tickled her a bit & so she pretends she is satisfied.

Do not be deceived so easily my friends.

Women can cum whenever they choose as well as quite freely without control but the point is that making a charming vixen cum doesn’t necessarily mean she’s climaxed. On the contrary… because these fine creatures feel pleasure in a series of waves & ripples it takes a lot of effort, hard work and focus to make a woman’s eyeballs roll into her brain.

You must admire the creation before you. Take your time to feel, touch & taste without charging in like a horny bull into a dark arena.

To feel her body quiver and shudder with excitement, to feel uncalculated energy sweep like an ocean’s angry tide, to feel the muscles grow taut & relax , the elemental scent of her mercury slithering in your mind, to smell the divine sulfur of her soul burn your nostrils… now that shit will take some time.

I am here to help you. To merely lend a hand in steering that vessel towards a mysterious horizon; and the adventure will be twice as fun when you know exactly what you’re doing.

So enough with the zany introductions and theory.

We’ll discuss the different types of Foreplay next week.

Until then…

Sharpen your claws and polish your fangs and listen to a ‘FUCK’ load of Metal.

S