We’ve said it once and we’ll say it a hundred times over, Californication is one of the best TV series’ that we here at The Backdoor have ever had the fortune of coming across. With a solid cast of actors, a storyline that packs in just the right dosages of drama, comedy and debauchery, and not to mention a soundtrack and script that flows with a strong stream of Rock ‘n’ Roll references and influences; we can be excused for our extensive levels of swooning over this television show.

With the 4th season of Californication confirmed, we here at The Backdoor decided to while away the time by bringing you the 15 most memorable quotes of Hank Moody. From the seemingly retarded, to the poignantly moving, and the downright hilarious, here are the words of wit, wisdom and wistfulness of the writer lost in purgatory, and a sea of women and wine.

15.

The quote –

Hank: “A BRONER!!! An unintentional male inspired boner.. that’s the word I’m looking for”

The situation –

Hank on what the phenomenon of an erection unwittingly inspired by another man would be called.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

It’s moments of creative genius like this that make Californication worth watching over and over again.

14.

The quote –

Hank: Yo K-Fed, the little man in the boat, he’s up here! That’s where he is [demonstrates]. Right here.

The situation –

Hank explaining where a woman’s clit is to the husband whose wife he just slept with.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

Who’s K-Fed?

13.

The quote –

Hank: To quote The Clash, should I stay or should I rock the casbah?

The situation –

Hank addressing Becca, after Bill ventures to ask how his next blog entry is going.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

With these quotes that throwback to the old school greats of Rock ‘n’ Roll, how can we help but swoon over this show? And for all of you people scratching your heads (shame on you!) this is a reference to the Clash’s hits “Should I Stay or Should I Go” and “Rock the Casbah.”

12.

The quote –

Julian: I like to think of myself as more of a creative midwife.
Hank: Oh, well I like to think of myself as having a twelve-inch cock, but it doesn’t make it so. Two inches shy!

The situation –

While discussing the artist and the artist within with Julian.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

Like a wise man once said, “it aint boasting if it’s true.”

11.

The quote –

Hank: “B” to the “I” to the double “L”. What’s up, my nig nog?
Bill: I need to talk to you.
Hank: Well, you should have called. I wouldn’t have answered, but you could’ve left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

The situation –

When Bill visits Hank’s house to ask him to do a guest speech at Mia’s school.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

Insults are so much better when they are ironically veiled and creatively constructed.

10.

The quote –

Becca: Do you remember what you used to do for me when I couldn’t sleep?
Hank : Dose you with opiates?
Becca: No. Look at the ocean and count mermaids.
Hank : I did do that. I’m a better father than I thought.

The situation –

Hank on the phone with Becca, trying to help her fall asleep.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

He might be retarded, insane or psychotic or all of the above, but how can you help but fall in love with Hank?

9.

The quote –

Hank Moody: What is your name, by the way?
Surfer Girl: Wouldn’t you rather just fuck me and never know?
Hank Moody: Oh, fuck. Who says romance is dead?!

The situation –

Just after smoking up, and just before making lust with the surfer girl he met at the super market.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

She did steal his vinyl records, Les Paul Gold Top and Keith Richards for President T-shirt the morning after, so maybe romance is dead. But she did return the loot a day after, so maybe it’s not dead after all. At least we like to think so.

8.

The quote –

Hank : You can’t snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams. It’s not gentlemanly.

The situation –

While snorting lines off the body of Trixie the prostitute, whom Hank refuses to believe is a lady of the night.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

While Hank’s seemingly wanton ways with the fairer sex might seem unnerving for the less morally bankrupt few, we see clearly how his tragically flawed mind is also accompanied with a heart firmly rooted in chivalry and tempered by hopeless romanticism.

7.

The quote –

Chloe Metz: Fuck me like I’m Al-Qaeda!
Hank : I’m declaring Jihad on your pussy.

The situation –

Chloe and Hank having sex in Lew Ashby’s bedroom.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

The ability to adapt to any unforeseen situation in the bed room is an essential trait in a man.

6.

The quote –

Hank: It’s my purgatory, really, inner drinks, whatever. I’m never really all that interested, but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. ‘Cause it’s true, all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you, it’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures, my life’s work. But then there’s the morning after, a hangover, and the realization that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she’s gone, and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken.

The situation –

While explaining his ways with life and love to Felicia

The Backdoor’s take on it –

As melodramatic as it sounds, some of us men, sadly, seem to be in touch with that feeling.

5.

The quote –

Hank: (talking about Janie) If she loves you, she’ll forgive you.
Lew: You really mean that?
Hank: I have to, otherwise there’s no point. There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.

The situation –

Hank trying to convince Lew Ashby to go downstairs and face the only woman he ever really wanted, but walked away from.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

Truer words were never spoken.

4.

The quote –

Hank: You know what I miss most about….. Well, aside from Becca of course. I miss your smell.

Karen: That’s it?

Hank: When you left I didn’t wash the sheets because I didn’t want to lose that completely…you. And it fucked me up for a long time because I would wake up and I’d smell you and I’d think you were there. And my heart would break all over again.

The situation –

While discussing their relationship, love and the past during a nostalgic conversation with Karen.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

One of the many wonders of the man is that he can have us laughing our God given ball sacks off, but having un-accounted for tears seeping out of our eyes the next.

3.

The quote –

Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I’ve learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won’t go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I’m down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I’m not talking about a huge 70’s Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I’m performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.

The situation –

Hank entering his first blog entry for Hell-A-Magazine.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

If Moody’s blog was real, we’d have some pretty stiff competition facing The Backdoor. But being the sneaky bastards we are, we’d of course solve the issue by enticing him into our sinister fold.

2.

The quote –

Good morning Hell-A. In the land of the lotus eaters’ time plays tricks on you. One day you’re dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times, if only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me, while I drown in a sea of pointless pussy. I don’t know how I got here, but here I am, rotting away in the warm California sun. There are things I need to figure out, for her sake at least. The clock is ticking, the gap is widening. She won’t always love me no matter what.

The situation –

Hank’s second blog entry for Hell-A Magazine.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

These poignant few moments, are in our opinion, one of the best epochs in TV history.

1.

The quote –

Dear Karen,

If you’re reading this it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well but if you get me started I have a tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me. But this, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write.

There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, it wasn’t on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there’s this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen. That’s the good news.

The bad is I don’t know how to be with you right now. And that scares the shit out of me. Because if I’m not with you right now, I have this feeling that we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of twists and turns. And people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. The moment that could have changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us, and I can’t tell you why you should waste the leap of faith on the likes of me, but damn you smell good. Like home. And you make excellent coffee. That’s got to count for something right?

Call me.

Unfaithfully yours,

Hank Moody.

The situation –

Hank in a letter to Karen.

The Backdoor’s take on it –

Who ever said that the art of a great love letter was out of date and over cliched, was sadly misinformed. And yes, we wont hold it on you if you let the river flow from those eyes now.

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